Wednesday, September 16, 2009

you've got mail

Dear you people,

I should have written long ago. I kept meaning to. I even kept coming to this page and staring at the blank whiteness of it.

And then left again.

I have so much that is going through my head right now, so much that I could say. Instead I stall and hesitate and leave all that blank whiteness intact. I've never had any of these feelings before, and I'm not quite sure what to do with them or how to give them voice.

This blog was meant to be a record of my journey from single Canadian gal, to happily married British citizen, and all the immigration trauma and hilarity in between. And yet, somehow, I have let two weeks go by while the big things were happening and have recorded none of it. There was drama in the last two weeks. Frustration, relief, discouragement. None of which is recorded here.

I know what you're saying. Write it down now. It's only two weeks, catch us up! It's not too late.

And of course you'd be right. But somehow it feels too late. All of the heavy emotion I have gone through in these last days seems so very transient. It has dissipated, leaving me just sort of tired and hollow. And none of it seems important now. If I had written about the stress of, say, trying to get my mother's plane ticket free as a medical assistant for me while it was happening I am sure it would have been a harrowing tale, full of suspense and my own heart-stopping terror that this was going to end up costing me another $800 I don't have. But now....well, I got the ticket. Everything's fine. Blah blah blah. Thrilling tale now, isn't it?

So here's something I have to come to terms with as a blogger: I seem somewhat incapable of actually sitting down and writing things out while they are happening to me. This was entirely untrue of me as a journal writer. I would grab my thinly-ruled coil-bound journal and write fiercely in the midst of whatever emotion was currently gripping me. Spewing everything out onto the page, all of the indignation and self-righteous wrath, the joy and delight, the crushing sorrow. It all went on the page, immortalized forever in the surging passion of the moment.

As a blogger, though...I am cautious. Tip-toeing up to my thoughts and feelings with tentative steps, hesitant and oh so careful.

Because this is not just for me. I cannot rip these pages up later, knowing I am the only one to have read them, if I've calmed down and regret my words. I have become aware that as the writer of a blog I have to be prepared to truly own my words. To accept them and be willing to throw them out there for the world to see. To be willing to be seen as someone who gets upset. Or angry. Or frustrated, elated, overwhelmed, joyful.

Which sounds easy. Or overwhelmingly difficult. One of those.

So, I make my pledge, to keep you people up to date, to not let weeks go by between posts, to not let myself get a calm perspective on things before I blog about them. And, hopefully, to be a hell of a lot more entertaining in future posts than I have been in this one.

yours truly,
that TeDiouS girl

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