Monday, July 27, 2009

The root of all worry

It's a weird feeling, suddenly having all these actual grownup worries. I have never been the worrying sort, no matter what has been going on in my life. And trust me, there have been some truly concerning aspects to my life. Things any sane person would worry about, and for very good reason. But I've always been the type to just sort of shrug and wait to see what happens.

But now. I worry, I mull, I fret. There's the Visa application and getting everything done that needs doing before I leave this country, and things to get done in the next country before I get there. Which has all been sort of nibbling away quietly in the back of my head for several months now. But this past week I found the true meaning of worry. I know, I am a bit old for this stunning revelation, most folk go through it at about the age of eighteen or twenty when they are trying to make a go of their first apartment. And I have heard my siblings struggle over this issue many times over the years. But this problem has never touched me in any significant way.

Money. Or, more accurately, the lack thereof. I have never before experienced this twisting, clenching in my gut that comes with wondering how we will afford to feed ourselves every month, much less ever get our hair cut again. And clearly we are going to have to learn to walk on our hands because no way are we getting new shoes! How do people do this? How do they live their lives with that gnawing, churning, writhing in their guts?

So here's what I've decided. I won't do it. I am going back to being the one who shrugs and assumes it will all work out in the end.
I am going to be happy with what we have and not worry about what we don't. I am going to beat worry into submission with my natural cheery optimism. I am going to face life with a smile and a carefully planned budget.

I am going to let my hair grow to the floor and obstinately forget that long hair makes me look like cousin it.

I am going to remember my guy and our overwhelming love and what this is all for...

Aw, see? I feel better already. :o)

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